If you want a Hank Williams Jr. record don't buy Kid Rock

Here’s my excuse. Kid Rock was interviewed on Larry King. He was engaging. He was rock n roll. He seemed smart. He seemed interesting. He’s slept with Pam.

I guess I always hoped there was a little more behind the curtain with Kid. A little touch of Skynyrd by way of Detroit. With singles like “Picture (with Sheryl Crow)” in the past I felt Kid Rock one day would put out a nice little Southern fried rock record.

The reviews on Kid’s new record Rock N Roll Jesus talked about monster AC/DC guitar riffs. Producer Rob Cavallo (Green Day) was prominently involved, and there were hints that Kid pulled out the bourbon and did his best Waylon and Willie impression. I was excited to check it out if for no other reason than hoping I’d find one nice little tune that no one else would know. Finding a sneaky little Kid Rock song to for your party play list, is a bit like finding a great shirt at Target boutique. The closest we get to this is probably “Amen” which is acoustic Kid at his best sounding like his head hurts after a hard night and singing about soldiers, lawyers, and pastors. He keeps the lyrics simple and it reminds of Tesla (think their cover of “Signs”) back in their heyday. “Amen” isn’t a great song, runs a bit too long, but it’s as good as we get on Rock N Roll Jesus. “Blue Jeans and a Rosary” would run a close second to “Amen” as the best effort on the album. Kid seems to be comfortable in his own skin on these two.

The problem with Rock N Roll Jesus is at the end of the day Kid still has to pay the bills. He can do all the magazine interviews he wants claiming he’s done saying his name in every song – but there’s still plenty of bad Woodstock ’94 hick-hop on the new record. It’s clear Kid still has to pay homage to the 12 million people who bought Devil Without A Cause. And with lyrics like “I want to fuck your pussy ‘til it’s cold,” “fuck you in the nose” ⎯to name a few it’s pretty clear Mr. Rock is still sitting at the kids’ table.

“All Summer Long” basically takes a “Sweet Home Alabama” sample and tries unsuccessfully to turn it into an original song. The result while sweet to the taste has all the staying power of a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Part “Crocodile Rock,” the result sounds corny. “All Summer Long” might sound decent at a Solo cup keg party, but Kid isn’t adding much here he’s basically leaning into a riff we already know. He’s cheatin’ and he still can’t win.

“Roll On” might be a decent track if it weren’t a complete theft of Jonny Lang’s “Breakin’ Me.” “Roll On” has that Todd Beamer, USO, American spirit that has become the Kid Rock brand. The backing vocal and piano are nice, but the similarities to the Lang track were too much for me to forgive. I’d suspect lawyers are involved here.

The rest of the album has Kid doing his metal meathead act on “So Hott,” “Sugar,” and his close circuit to his ex-wife Pam “Half Your Age.”

A lot of different Kid Rocks make an appearance on Rock N Roll Jesus and the result sounds like the audio equivalent of a major identity crisis. Some songs like “Sugar” even waver from an acoustic intro to rapping like Zack De La Rocha from Rage to dropping samples of “Cowboy” —all in one track. That’s a steep descent. Lyrics like “kiss my Anglo Saxon ass!” and “I’m watching porno on the TV” sound pretty junior varsity to my well trained thirty three year old ears.

I guess I can’t really blame Kid. He’s always been this way. He grew up a rich boy from Michigan who wanted to be Vanilla Ice. Next he wanted to be a hardcore rapper. Then he wanted to be Limp Bizkit. Now he wants to be Hank Williams Jr. After listening to Rock N Roll Jesus a few times I can assure you he’s nowhere close.

If I go back to the Larry King interview that lead to the unexpected appearance of Kid Rock on Music Martes I still think there’s something in the cupboard here. Trouble is Kid Rock needs to determine what type of artist he wants to be. He should either do the Southern acoustic thing in the vein of “Amen” and “Blue Jeans and a Rosary” for an entire album. If he did he might get some of the honky-tonk cred he clearly craves. He’s not going to be Hank Williams Jr., but he could probably pull off a sound like The Georgia Satellites or (maybe) even something like Guns N’ Roses Lies record.

Even with big ax tracks like “So Hott” I don’t think true hard rock in the spirit of AC/DC, White Zombie, or Buckcherry is realistic for Kid. There’s too much of a wink to him.

Another thought would be for Kid Rock to reinvent ZZ Top for a new generation and make some kick ass rock that doesn’t take itself so seriously. Might be a way for him to find a happy medium. He could sing about the girls, have the big riffs, and still live larger than the rest of us. At least he wouldn’t sound as confused as he does here.